Tuesday, May 22, 2007

A Little Deployment Venting

I'm not strong. I wish I were...but the truth is I'm not. Today...well, today I hurt. I can't explain it...I just know that I long for human touch-for Quentin's touch. It's been so long since my husband has held me and I so desire that touch. I just want to be held. I know it doesn't make sense to anybody else...how it feels to ache for someone that is thousands of miles away....whom you have to wait and wait for...but it's how I'm feeling today. Imagine not seeing the person you love for a year...not hearing their voice...not feeling their touch....not having their scent on your pillow. Sure, we are able to IM most every day and I have the occasional crackled phone call that gets dropped at least 3 times in 10 minutes...and ever once in a blue moon the internet will cooperate long enough to get a glimpse of his slow moving body on the webcam...but it's not enough. I've prayed and prayed to God to hold me where I can feel it. To be my enough. I try so hard to actually feel God's arms around me so that the ache will go away, but it seems that no matter how hard I try...it doesn't. I still wake up lonely in the middle of the night. I still miss my husband. I still get tired of trying to pretend that I'm strong and that this deployment is just another "thing" in my life. It's not...it IS my life. Everything I do revolves around this deployment. I keep telling myself that it's just a few more weeks (47 days to be exact) until Q will be home on Furlough and I can see him...feel him...smell him. It just seems so far out of reach and so unreal....like, am I really going to see him? I keep waiting for someone to say..."sorry, we were just kidding." Anyway, I'm venting...that's what blogs are for, right?

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