Sunday, June 17, 2007

Fear

It's one of those nights again. Fear has the strangest way of creeping up on me...just when I think I've conquered it....it rears it's ugly head and all but paralyzes me. I know that my husband is OK...that he's fine....and that he's really there, ...but days like today I just have a hard time processing all of it. Don't ask me what stirred the pot today...I haven't a clue. I just wanted to stay in bed all day...and pretty much that's what I did. I couldn't even bring myself to get ready for church this morning until I heard from Q....even then I wasn't motivated. Now, here I am, at nearly 11pm and I can't sleep. The house is too quiet...too empty...too lonely. I can't bring myself to crawl into that big bed again...by myself. Contemplated the couch...but my back is already aching...so I'm stuck here...on this computer....which I have a very strong love/hate relationship with. Love---the fact that it keeps me in touch with Q. Hate---because it's the only way I can communicate with my husband. I know...sounds crazy. So, what to do...ramble on the blog. I keep telling myself it's just a few more weeks...and he'll be home....but I still have this fear inside of me. How do I let him go back? How do I keep doing this? Questions with no real answers. It's always the unknown. The mother of all fears...not knowing. And so it is with me, I fear all the unknown variables in my life and try to cling to the fact that God has it in control...( not an easy task for a control freak ) ....and I try to sleep, even though my mind does not.

1 comment:

Big Bro said...

Hey sis!
I wish I could say I know.. that somehow I could relate exactly , and therefore offer some insight or comfort. But I cant.
You are on thr right track though, just be cautious about missing church etc. Trust me, there was alot of times i didnt want to 'go' throughout my hard times. But I did. And in the end was glad I did. In part because I had friends like you and Q. And in part because deep down I knew I would never make it without Gods help.
I want you to know me and my wifes heart aches for you both. We pray for the safe homecoming and furloughs and so forth. We pray for your continued strength and perseverence. Ginger you have been through alot. Q has been through his share, and through those hard times I have sat back and seen both of you grow , even if from a distance. We cant see all that goes on, but enough to know that you and Q will one day soon be reunited and the dogs of war set behind you having truly learned just how important the love shared and family you have been blessed with mean. If your like many, theres no way of measuring or describing that love or need, or longing to be back together. The really cool thing is that no matter what length of time you have spent apart , it will make you both cherish the love God has sent your way, and all that comes with. No sis, I dont have the answers, not all of them, but I encourage you too keep that focus and know we are always here for you. It doesnt matter if you like control or being independant. In due moderation these like that help keep folks afloat when life gets a bit ruff and tumble. Just be careful not to try and take control from God, even incidentally, we as humans tend to goof that up. Been there done that...Above all my cherished friend, know that our prayers and hopes go with you each and everyday, this too will pass Sis. God promises it will. Fear is Satans fave tool, your way smarter than him, and have the blood of Jesus backing you against his offensive. He has already lost, even if we sometimes dont always see it. Q will be fine. I beleive that with all my heart. As far as whether or not you can do this again if he is called up again? The answer to that resides not only in your personal walk with our Lord, but the love you and Q share, and your continued faith in God , In Qs mission and your future together. My wife and I are here to support you both i anyway we can. The best way to start is to let you know , we stand with you as faithful friends, in agreement with your prayers for continued strength, faith,and longevity. Keep your chin up Ginger.. We love ya guys very much!