Stand Still, Look Pretty

ok...I heard this song from The Wreckers and was like, "wow, I can so relate."...maybe not the pretty part, but definitely the sentiment of the song, so thought I'd share the lyrics with ya..

I want to paint my face
And pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even want to look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over

Chorus
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking
In the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
Even believe this is my life

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths
I'm not strong enough to deal with it

Chorus
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

A Little Deployment Venting

I'm not strong. I wish I were...but the truth is I'm not. Today...well, today I hurt. I can't explain it...I just know that I long for human touch-for Quentin's touch. It's been so long since my husband has held me and I so desire that touch. I just want to be held. I know it doesn't make sense to anybody else...how it feels to ache for someone that is thousands of miles away....whom you have to wait and wait for...but it's how I'm feeling today. Imagine not seeing the person you love for a year...not hearing their voice...not feeling their touch....not having their scent on your pillow. Sure, we are able to IM most every day and I have the occasional crackled phone call that gets dropped at least 3 times in 10 minutes...and ever once in a blue moon the internet will cooperate long enough to get a glimpse of his slow moving body on the webcam...but it's not enough. I've prayed and prayed to God to hold me where I can feel it. To be my enough. I try so hard to actually feel God's arms around me so that the ache will go away, but it seems that no matter how hard I try...it doesn't. I still wake up lonely in the middle of the night. I still miss my husband. I still get tired of trying to pretend that I'm strong and that this deployment is just another "thing" in my life. It's not...it IS my life. Everything I do revolves around this deployment. I keep telling myself that it's just a few more weeks (47 days to be exact) until Q will be home on Furlough and I can see him...feel him...smell him. It just seems so far out of reach and so unreal....like, am I really going to see him? I keep waiting for someone to say..."sorry, we were just kidding." Anyway, I'm venting...that's what blogs are for, right?

We interrupt the baseball season to bring you...basketball

Ok..call me crazy, but I really thought it was baseball season. We had the weekend off for a change...no tournaments...woo hoo! Blake's school thought it would be amusing to throw in a basketball tournament this weekend. Alas, a mother's job is NEVER DONE!! We played at GCT all weekend...4 games in all...and a 2nd place consolation medal. Oh well, it was fun. Blake seemed to enjoy the change of pace. It's nice to shake things up ever now and again. So, for all you avid sports fans that thought it was just baseball season....think again!

In Another World

I've heard the phrase my entire life, heard my dad accuse me of it, confessed being there...."in another world"....but only now do I really have any real concept of what that means. I guess I've always thought of it as being in "la-la" land...not focused...but it's more about not being in touch with what you love...with who you love. It's standing still while everything around you changes. I was talking to my hubby this past week about all the things that have changed since he's been gone and realized how we are in two totally separate worlds. The landscape has changed, the people have changed, even some of the laws of the land have changed in the 10 months he's been gone. There's now a 4-lane highway in front of the school....we have new restaurants...WalMart has been remodeled (he won't be able to find a thing, I can't)....kids from church that seemed so young are now driving without an adult...the church has been painted a casual tan....my mom moved out...we got a dog...the kids have grown by leaps and bounds and their personalities have changed.... And these are just some of the surface changes that I can think of off the top of my head. I can't imagine missing my life for a year+, but that's what Quentin has done. He has literally lived in another world and while life as he knew it has stood still for him...it's gone on for us...and it won't be recognizable to him. I keep trying to prepare myself for how he's changed and I pray that he's being prepared for how we've changed. I wonder how we merge these two worlds...how we pick up where we left off. It's a little scary, but I know we'll be fine. There will have to be adjustments made, but we've come through so much that I know this too shall pass.

Happy Mother's Day

Was it the flowers? Or the card? All I know is today, I was sitting at work on my morning break...just relaxing and taking it easy...when the local florist comes to the door with this beautiful bouquet. I thought they were for my boss' wife, but they were for completely, unsuspecting, me! Next thing I know, the waterworks are on. My wonderful husband did it again...even though he's 8000 miles across the globe...he managed to surprise me and show me how much he loves me. There was a beautiful Mother's Day card attached...but it was the last sentence that made me just crumble and melt. It said, " I grow more in love with you each year and more thankful that you are my wife, my love, and my very best friend." Who wouldn't melt? I remember last Mother's Day...he had guard drill in preparation for this deployment. I remember being so angry that they were taking my husband away from me, knowing we would spend the next Mother's Day apart. And, a year later, here we are. I'm so thankful that we are here...at this point. A year ago I wouldn't have received flowers. I wouldn't have known how much Quentin loves me. I wouldn't know how much I love him. So, yes, I cried today...not tears of sorrow and sadness...but tears of gratefulness, appreciation, and a deep love that can only be cultivated through years of perseverance..(Quentin, thank you for remembering!) Happy Mother's Day to me! and all the wives that celebrate alone this year.

Are you finished? Or just done?

I've been pondering a quote from this past weekend....we had a guest speaker at church and at the end of his sermon he made a comment that really got me thinking. He said at the end of our life, we don't want to stand before our Lord and say, "but Lord, I didn't get finished...I was going to get around to doing your will...I just ran out of time and didn't finish..." He went on to say, "even if you're not finished, you'll be done." Ouch! I want to finish!! How about you? I don't want to just be done...I want to finish all that God has planned for my life. I know this deployment is part of God's unique plan for me. He knew even as I was being formed in my unwed mother's womb that I would be at this point in my life. Nothing takes Him by surprise. Oh, how I desire to finish what He has for me. How can I know what that is unless I'm in an intimate relationship with my Lord? The answer. I can't. So how about it? Are we on this journey together? Let's do this thing....let's not just get done with this life....let's FINISH this life!

Grateful

Grateful...that's what I am today! Q finally got his internet service restored in Iraq and we've been able to talk the last 3 days...it's not the same as hearing his voice, but it's so nice to have a conversation with the one you love. We're very blessed in this war to have the modern technology that allows us the freedom to communicate in just about every form imaginable. Past wars have not had such luxuries. I think about my great grandparents and wonder how they survived being apart for so long with no communication...I wish they were still alive to ask. I pray that my granny is smiling down from Heaven, proud to see how her great granddaughter is handling the deployment. I like to think that I make her proud! I'm also very grateful at the way that Q and I have bonded and that we've been spared some of the marital difficulties that come from extended separation. Not that we've been without our own struggles and scars, but for the most part, God has protected us and allowed us room to grow...as a couple...and in Christ. I've found that looking for the silver linings definitely makes this entire situation much more bearable...so today...I choose to be .....grateful!