Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Ok...I know that title does not invite very many readers and there seems to be a negative pattern going on these days...however, I need to just let you know how my yesterday went. My morning started with a huge argument with my mother, which ended up in a 3 hour saga...not exactly the way to start the day right. I'm trying to do this 6-week Body Makeover, so next on my agenda was breakfast...well, I forgot to go to the store...so I had one egg white and a couple of pineapple slices...mmmm, yum-yum. Off to the dentist with Mal, where I had a major meltdown in the van...not a pretty sight...then back home for some more yummy treats...lunch. Well, I was trying to multi-task..and normally I'm pretty good at that...not this day. I was IM Quentin, talking to our FRG leader on the phone, and attempting to cook my lunch which ended up being...shriveled up chicken, overcooked rice, and wilted lettuce. Let's just say me and this "healthy" eating are NOT getting along. At this point I'm thinking do I even want to attempt work, but I'm thinking it can't get much worse, so off I go for a whole 3 hours of work. Nothing overly exciting...had another meltdown after work when I went by the church to pick up some food donations for the Smallwood family. I'm actually getting pretty good at these meltdowns. Ok, so I get home take the dog for a walk and get ready for my kickboxing class....I'm thinking this is just what I need to de-stress...right? I get there and there's this horrible stench...well, we all continue on with our warm up and I get down in the floor to do some push ups and there it is...the stench. It's my shoe!!! Seems when I was walking Shiloh that I must've stepped in IT. I am not believing this...like what else could possibly happen...I know..don't ever ask that question. I survive kickboxing...barely...and head home. I'm completely emotionally and physically spent and decide to call it a night early...I lay down on the couch to relax and what do I see in the middle of the living room? Staring at me with those beady eyes...a mouse. Yep. Perfect ending to a perfect day! You have to laugh. God does have a sense of humor.

A Sad Day

I have so many emotions going on inside my head and heart that I'm not sure I can even sort them out. We, the 875th EN BN, had our first (and I hope only) casualty of war this Memorial weekend. I don't think I can accurately convey the way that I feel...the fears that I have. This was just another reminder of the danger that our soldiers are in...that my husband is in. This is real...it's not summer camp or a day at the park...it's war and this weekend it hit home...HARD. Although I didn't know the young man personally, I know the unit...I know the batallion...he was one of the hometown heroes. I've cried and cried until there's just not any tears left. I've been angry...sad...frustrated...humbled...afraid. And however many emotions I feel, it still can't compare to the loss that this family feels and this tragedy that has befell them. I can't imagine and I pray I never have to. Oh yeah...guilt...that's another emotion that's been prevalent this weekend. Why? Because my very first thought upon hearing of this tragic loss...was thank God it wasn't Q's company...thank God it wasn't my husband. How selfish of me. I know that next time it could be. This is a war and nothing is certain. The one thing that I know for sure is...that God has it all in control. I realize His will and my desire may not be the same, but ultimately whatever happens will be for good. I'm trying desperately to hold onto that thought....to that promise from God. As for now, I have a heavy heart and a weak body. May God use me to minister to this family and give me the strength I need. SPC Erich Smallwood will forever be remembered. Godspeed to the 875th.

Lazy Saturday! Finally!!

Finally...the weekend is here...a 3-day weekend at that! B has been sick all week, so he won't be playing baseball this weekend...which means we can RELAX!! WOO HOO!! I've just been playing Suzie Homemaker (no offense to all the Suzie's out there) and tending to the little man. It's been a nice change of pace. I actually love being a homemaker...it's very soothing to my soul. I may do a little scrapbooking today and might even visit a friend or two. I'm still in the midst of playing musical rooms around here...trying to get everything rearranged and reorganized. That's a job...but I'm determined to get it all done...even the garage...before Q gets home in July. Well...I hear the dryer calling my name....check in later.

Stand Still, Look Pretty

ok...I heard this song from The Wreckers and was like, "wow, I can so relate."...maybe not the pretty part, but definitely the sentiment of the song, so thought I'd share the lyrics with ya..

I want to paint my face
And pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even want to look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over

Chorus
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking
In the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
Even believe this is my life

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths
I'm not strong enough to deal with it

Chorus
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

A Little Deployment Venting

I'm not strong. I wish I were...but the truth is I'm not. Today...well, today I hurt. I can't explain it...I just know that I long for human touch-for Quentin's touch. It's been so long since my husband has held me and I so desire that touch. I just want to be held. I know it doesn't make sense to anybody else...how it feels to ache for someone that is thousands of miles away....whom you have to wait and wait for...but it's how I'm feeling today. Imagine not seeing the person you love for a year...not hearing their voice...not feeling their touch....not having their scent on your pillow. Sure, we are able to IM most every day and I have the occasional crackled phone call that gets dropped at least 3 times in 10 minutes...and ever once in a blue moon the internet will cooperate long enough to get a glimpse of his slow moving body on the webcam...but it's not enough. I've prayed and prayed to God to hold me where I can feel it. To be my enough. I try so hard to actually feel God's arms around me so that the ache will go away, but it seems that no matter how hard I try...it doesn't. I still wake up lonely in the middle of the night. I still miss my husband. I still get tired of trying to pretend that I'm strong and that this deployment is just another "thing" in my life. It's not...it IS my life. Everything I do revolves around this deployment. I keep telling myself that it's just a few more weeks (47 days to be exact) until Q will be home on Furlough and I can see him...feel him...smell him. It just seems so far out of reach and so unreal....like, am I really going to see him? I keep waiting for someone to say..."sorry, we were just kidding." Anyway, I'm venting...that's what blogs are for, right?

We interrupt the baseball season to bring you...basketball

Ok..call me crazy, but I really thought it was baseball season. We had the weekend off for a change...no tournaments...woo hoo! Blake's school thought it would be amusing to throw in a basketball tournament this weekend. Alas, a mother's job is NEVER DONE!! We played at GCT all weekend...4 games in all...and a 2nd place consolation medal. Oh well, it was fun. Blake seemed to enjoy the change of pace. It's nice to shake things up ever now and again. So, for all you avid sports fans that thought it was just baseball season....think again!

In Another World

I've heard the phrase my entire life, heard my dad accuse me of it, confessed being there...."in another world"....but only now do I really have any real concept of what that means. I guess I've always thought of it as being in "la-la" land...not focused...but it's more about not being in touch with what you love...with who you love. It's standing still while everything around you changes. I was talking to my hubby this past week about all the things that have changed since he's been gone and realized how we are in two totally separate worlds. The landscape has changed, the people have changed, even some of the laws of the land have changed in the 10 months he's been gone. There's now a 4-lane highway in front of the school....we have new restaurants...WalMart has been remodeled (he won't be able to find a thing, I can't)....kids from church that seemed so young are now driving without an adult...the church has been painted a casual tan....my mom moved out...we got a dog...the kids have grown by leaps and bounds and their personalities have changed.... And these are just some of the surface changes that I can think of off the top of my head. I can't imagine missing my life for a year+, but that's what Quentin has done. He has literally lived in another world and while life as he knew it has stood still for him...it's gone on for us...and it won't be recognizable to him. I keep trying to prepare myself for how he's changed and I pray that he's being prepared for how we've changed. I wonder how we merge these two worlds...how we pick up where we left off. It's a little scary, but I know we'll be fine. There will have to be adjustments made, but we've come through so much that I know this too shall pass.

Happy Mother's Day

Was it the flowers? Or the card? All I know is today, I was sitting at work on my morning break...just relaxing and taking it easy...when the local florist comes to the door with this beautiful bouquet. I thought they were for my boss' wife, but they were for completely, unsuspecting, me! Next thing I know, the waterworks are on. My wonderful husband did it again...even though he's 8000 miles across the globe...he managed to surprise me and show me how much he loves me. There was a beautiful Mother's Day card attached...but it was the last sentence that made me just crumble and melt. It said, " I grow more in love with you each year and more thankful that you are my wife, my love, and my very best friend." Who wouldn't melt? I remember last Mother's Day...he had guard drill in preparation for this deployment. I remember being so angry that they were taking my husband away from me, knowing we would spend the next Mother's Day apart. And, a year later, here we are. I'm so thankful that we are here...at this point. A year ago I wouldn't have received flowers. I wouldn't have known how much Quentin loves me. I wouldn't know how much I love him. So, yes, I cried today...not tears of sorrow and sadness...but tears of gratefulness, appreciation, and a deep love that can only be cultivated through years of perseverance..(Quentin, thank you for remembering!) Happy Mother's Day to me! and all the wives that celebrate alone this year.

Are you finished? Or just done?

I've been pondering a quote from this past weekend....we had a guest speaker at church and at the end of his sermon he made a comment that really got me thinking. He said at the end of our life, we don't want to stand before our Lord and say, "but Lord, I didn't get finished...I was going to get around to doing your will...I just ran out of time and didn't finish..." He went on to say, "even if you're not finished, you'll be done." Ouch! I want to finish!! How about you? I don't want to just be done...I want to finish all that God has planned for my life. I know this deployment is part of God's unique plan for me. He knew even as I was being formed in my unwed mother's womb that I would be at this point in my life. Nothing takes Him by surprise. Oh, how I desire to finish what He has for me. How can I know what that is unless I'm in an intimate relationship with my Lord? The answer. I can't. So how about it? Are we on this journey together? Let's do this thing....let's not just get done with this life....let's FINISH this life!

Grateful

Grateful...that's what I am today! Q finally got his internet service restored in Iraq and we've been able to talk the last 3 days...it's not the same as hearing his voice, but it's so nice to have a conversation with the one you love. We're very blessed in this war to have the modern technology that allows us the freedom to communicate in just about every form imaginable. Past wars have not had such luxuries. I think about my great grandparents and wonder how they survived being apart for so long with no communication...I wish they were still alive to ask. I pray that my granny is smiling down from Heaven, proud to see how her great granddaughter is handling the deployment. I like to think that I make her proud! I'm also very grateful at the way that Q and I have bonded and that we've been spared some of the marital difficulties that come from extended separation. Not that we've been without our own struggles and scars, but for the most part, God has protected us and allowed us room to grow...as a couple...and in Christ. I've found that looking for the silver linings definitely makes this entire situation much more bearable...so today...I choose to be .....grateful!